Today, Sunday 7th September 2025, marks the 32nd anniversary of Conor’s dramatic entrance to the world. At almost 2 weeks passed his due date, he had been in no hurry to arrive and due to having to follow hospital protocols, his life hung in the balance and emergency measures had to be used. Thankfully he arrived safe with only a lasting scar on his left eye where the forceps tore his delicate skin to show for it. My body fared less well but that’s another story. Today would have been his 32nd birthday had he chosen to stay and my first thought was that I feel quite dumbfounded that I must be old enough to have a child that age!!
Celebrating Conor’s Birthday
We’re not particularly big on birthday celebrations in this family. They tend to be quiet, understated affairs with a favourite meal and a cake. If we’re pushing the boat out, we’ll organise and do a favourite activity which more often than not happens on a day away from the birthday itself. We do always have cake though, it’s not a birthday without cake. My daughter’s birthday was postponed at the end of August as she was unwell and so today we will have cake to celebrate both her’s and Conor’s birthdays.
Conor is still with us, just not physically, he makes his presence known regularly so it seems only right to have cake. And I’m so really grateful to have had him in our lives and that itself is worth celebrating. We were able to celebrate 24 birthdays with him here and today is the 8th birthday we’ll celebrate without his physical presence.
Complex Grief
8 birthdays! That number seems quite ridiculous. On one hand it doesn’t seem so long and on the other it seems longer. So yes time continues to be a conundrum. Even more so recently, I have no idea where the hours and days go and then before I know it, it’s a new month, a new season and a new year!! It feels like time as we know it is condensing and compressing.
It still hurts that Conor isn’t physically here and I still miss what we had but looking back now I guess that each birthday has been slightly less painful than the last. The rawness of the wounds has healed. The rawness that I had no idea how I was supposed to survive, only that I had to. My grief sits with me companionably these days, sometimes silently, other times not. Made easier after I stopped fighting and welcomed her in, realising that she could sit alongside joy and happiness without overtaking everything.
Spiritual Growth and Realisations
I also realise now that I separated myself somewhat from those intense, unbearable emotions in order to survive them. Putting a shield up between myself and them. This last 18 months has been a huge learning curve for me. Full of realisations, processing and integrating that have led to more realisations, processing and integrating. The biggest of those being how much I was trying to grasp on to in an attempt to be in control, when all we ever have control over is ourselves and our own reactions.
And the hurts that have continued to hurt me because I couldn’t let them go. But in this case it was me hurting myself because my mind was perpetuating the original pain, instead of seeing it as the lesson it was teaching at that point in time. Self-flagellation effectively. So, I have spent the last year relinquishing my need for perceived control over anything and making a conscious effort to let go of everything and try to be accepting of everything in the moment.
Letting Go
One of the biggest things that I had to let go of was the guilt, blame and responsibility I carried over Conor’s suicide. And I have. The biggest was letting go of Conor himself. I knew I had to let him go to allow him to come back to me. And by that I mean I had to drop all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas and accept that things are exactly as they are. By continuing to cling onto what were effectively my own expectations, I wasn’t allowing Conor to be free. My Reiki and Quantum Healing in particular have really helped me with this. I am now working on giving up my need to always be constantly doing something or thinking about the next thing to do. Another trauma response. As well as dropping my shields and reconnecting my emotions fully.
Full Corn Moon Total Lunar Eclipse
And what better time to be doing that than when the cosmos aligns? Today, on Conor’s birthday, we have not only the Full Corn moon, which itself is an ideal time for giving up anything we no longer need. We also have a Total Lunar Eclipse, which is associated with emotional transformation and is a time for reflection, healing and letting go. So my gift today for both myself and for Conor is to continue to heal so that I can live in the moment in a flow state. And what about you? Has something here resonated with you? Will you take advantage of the cosmic energies and let go of something that no longer serves you? I hope you will. Just remember that we are all human, with our own flaws and foibles, and are constant works in progress. So please be kind and gentle with yourself. 💜💞
This story was first shared on my alternative Facebook page, if you’re interested you can follow me there and on Instagram.